Enabling are behaviors that your spouse can do but are normally hard for him or her to do, and that’s why your spouse asks you to do them since it’s easier for you. It shields the person from feeling the impact of his or her behavior or the consequence. Now you want to have balance with this, as you don’t want to be so rigid that there’s no grace for the person. I like to use the following questions: (1) Do I want to help? (2) Is your loved one able to do it him- or herself, or does helping him or her keep your spouse from doing the hard work? and (3) Does helping hinder my ability to care for myself? These questions help me to determine if it’s enabling or helping.